February 2012
12 posts
WatchThis ones for anon. I messed up plenty of times because I didn’t know how the song went. LOL OH WELL.
Anonymous asked: please stop being a crazy bitch
2/26/12
Inhale, exhale. I’m only hoping it’ll lighten this heavy weight on my chest. I can’t put a label on how I’m feeling. That’s the worst— when you can’t even identify your own emotions anymore.
Anonymous asked: please gain some weight
Anonymous asked: how many relationships have you been in?
Wrote this a while ago, but it seemed to be an...
I’m terribly and fatally scared of my own mind, and that is no exaggeration. I’m scared of what it will do to me, and I’m scared I’ll be driven past what’s left of my strength and sanity to move on because of it. What happens if I don’t make it? I already acknowledge that there is nothing this outrageously corrupted and perverted world has to offer. For that very reason, I don’t seek...
Anonymous asked: do you still use your nikon?
Anonymous asked: take a picture without make up on!
Inebriated thoughts part 2
It’s been an excruciatingly long and and lonely time. I lie in bed thinking maybe I won’t wake to another day of gnawing fear and dread—my only comfort. Hope is illusory, and I feel myself gradually wearing away. Reality is translucent, and it’s losing its element. In the progression of this life, it will obviously be accompanied by pain and sorrow.. with its own reasons...
January 2012
6 posts
Inebriated thoughts
I always saw myself as a misanthrope and maybe even an outcast. For some odd reason, I can’t stop seeking lonely, forlorn places. However, the more time I spend alone, the more I feel lost and astray. I’m drawn to confinement for no other reason but because it’s familiar, and it’s been this way for far too long for me to break out of this habit. Most of my energy has been...
Anonymous asked: are you going out with the guy in your skinny love video?
1/8/12
There was only you who witnessed the struggles, experienced the consequences of my emotionally damaging behavior and still managed to bear with me… at least for a time being. But I gave you too much and showed you too much of me, so when you left my life, it felt like a huge loss. A part of me was embedded in you, and it was being stripped away. Now I know never to give your all to someone...
1/3/12
I’m still here, right where you left me. I haven’t a single clue why my heart is still open to something good with you—nothing more, of course. You should be the least of my problems. I vowed never to let a person be the reason for my grief, but I guess I surprise myself sometimes.
December 2011
3 posts
12/27/11
I thought I was good at numbing the sadness. After all, I hate the thought of pitying myself and being pitied. But I replace my sadness with anger, defensiveness, doing dumb things, and by just being mean.. and that’s not a great alternative. I hate voicing my feelings, but by not doing so, everything’s only backfired on me. I’m not as pessimistic as much as I along with everyone...
“The world in books seemed so much more alive to me than anything outside. I...”
– Haruki Murakami (via obseo)
crystal-ized:
Sorry for being unnecessarily mean. It’s easier to be mad than sad though.
11/30/11
Nothing much about me has changed, but a lot has changed. I am still grasping for air, as I continue to drown in this terrible state of… I don’t know what to call it. As I’m using all my energy to fight it off and flee from it, I grow defensive and angry with those who have no idea who they’re messing with and are unaware of how much more I can take. This strength few people claim they see...
November 2011
7 posts
11/29/11
I struggled to understand why things were happening as they were and why no one dared to hear me out, especially at a time like this. But there is no way I’m going to feel sorry for myself, and I don’t want to feel any resentment or anger towards anyone because that’s foolish and only hurts me. People aren’t much, really. The only solution is to cut certain people...
“A proud faith is much a contradiction as a humble devil.”
– Stephen Charnock
11/22/11
Are human relations really necessary? Usually, I would say no, without a doubt. But sometimes I believe they are. When I’m alone, I experience irrational fears and the inability to pursue a consistent train of thought. I always thought I had a high capacity of being alone, but I think that changed the more and more time I spent time to myself. How ironic. I do feel it’s necessary to...
11/15/11
I’ve given up on people a long time ago, and going out only seems to be a reminder of why I have gotten so accustomed to being alone. Most people are too full of themselves, shitty, heartless, and too damn ignorant for me. I hope that doesn’t make me sound egotistic because I’m not trying to be. There is a long and lonely road ahead of me, but I’m at peace with that. Still,...
11/4/11
The world is my enemy. There is nothing here for me. I have goals, a family, and I want to help people. I wish those reasons were sufficient enough to carry on. For now, they are. But what if the fear and despair become too great and takes full control over me? Then everything would be out of my willpower. It won’t be long until my friends realize how messed up I am—some already have,...
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
A beautiful verse. I hope that...
October 2011
6 posts
Anonymous asked: do you think suicide is selfish?
10/18/11
I’m continuously reminded over and over again— there’s no getting better. When someway, somehow, I’ve just been trying to live my life thinking if I kept lying to myself, I would forget the troubles that obviously exist. Rather, the crippling fear it creates is just too great and leaves my heart forever hopeless and heavy. I am a victim of a sick disease, and I know that sounds fucking...
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September 2011
6 posts
Condemnation or a hidden blessing?
As the world is caving in, I feel imprisoned; to be able to do nothing but cling so damn hard onto a hope that is as fragile as sand sliding through one’s fingers. But that’s all I have to hold onto. As overwhelmed and crushed as I am, I am getting by because of it. I don’t know if that’s something I should be thankful for or if what I’m thinking is even practical,...
9/18/11
What did I do. Who would’ve thought I could cultivate such destructive behavior and impulses, or is it me? I don’t know who or what the hell I am, and I’m saying this in the most unvarnished way possible. I am constantly trapped in rumination of irrational and tormenting thoughts, to the point where I am engrossed in gripping panic. But I can’t help but bury myself deeper...
“I believe that words are strong, that they can overwhelm what we fear when fear...”
– Noonday Demon
9/13/11
And while I feel less vulnerable and somewhat at ease, I am still haunted by the pain and fear that still exists. I foster actions that destroy me and hurt those around me, and I should care.. but I’m too tired to care. I am, I admit, somehow getting by with these ‘substances’, but there’s only so much they can do for me. My conscious mind is now dry and out of sight. I lack support, but that was...
Anonymous asked: you're one of the most compassionate people i have ever met with a beautiful heart. don't ever forget that. i hope you get through whatever you're going through. you're a beautiful person and i admire you. i hope others can see what i see because you deserve recognition for who you really are. probably can't guess who this is but heres a clue, hwaiting! :P
August 2011
7 posts
It.
For so long, I thought the ‘predestined’ inclination and the ironic comfort it gave me was enough reason to continue to wallow in the despair and negativity it “bestowed upon me.” But it became too much, and it only coincided with more grief, fear, and unending madness that was unbearable to the point where the thought of ending it was so beautifully tempting. My own mind...
Such a beautiful song
Sound familiar?
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http://colorgenicstest.com
The results: At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.
For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable...
July 2011
5 posts
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