Anonymous asked: are you going out with the guy in your skinny love video?
no, he’s my ex for the hundredth time -_- it’s all good though haha
Crystalised Cover. It was 2 am when I recorded this, so I was trying to be as quiet as possible LOL… and the video is out of sync. Whoooo
Anonymous asked: do you delete all your asks?
You mean after I make them public? I do delete most of them unless they’re noteworthy or meaningful.
1/8/12
There was only you who witnessed the struggles, experienced the consequences of my emotionally damaging behavior and still managed to bear with me… at least for a time being. But I gave you too much and showed you too much of me, so when you left my life, it felt like a huge loss. A part of me was embedded in you, and it was being stripped away. Now I know never to give your all to someone and never to put all your faith in a human being because human beings are born with an inclination to sin and make mistakes. It’s in our nature, so no human being should ever put their entire faith in another human being—a sad but true lesson I learned a little too late.
1/3/12
I’m still here, right where you left me. I haven’t a single clue why my heart is still open to something good with you—nothing more, of course. You should be the least of my problems. I vowed never to let a person be the reason for my grief, but I guess I surprise myself sometimes.
My momma :D
12/27/11
I thought I was good at numbing the sadness. After all, I hate the thought of pitying myself and being pitied. But I replace my sadness with anger, defensiveness, doing dumb things, and by just being mean.. and that’s not a great alternative. I hate voicing my feelings, but by not doing so, everything’s only backfired on me. I’m not as pessimistic as much as I along with everyone else probably thinks. I seek good things, good relations with people, and most importantly, hope. I’m not even asking to be cured of my afflictions, but a little light and a little hope would sure as hell help this pathetic life of mine. But unsurprisingly, I am left empty-handed and bitter.
"The world in books seemed so much more alive to me than anything outside. I could see things I’d never seen before. Books and music were my best friends. I had a couple of good friends at school, but never met anyone I could really speak my heart to. We’d just make small talk, play soccer together. When something bothered me, I didn’t talk with anyone about it. I thought it over all by myself, came to a conclusion, and took action alone. Not that I really felt lonely. I thought that’s just the way things are. Human beings, in the final analysis, have to survive on their own."
Haruki Murakami (via obseo)
(via kimindy)
Sorry for being unnecessarily mean. It’s easier to be mad than sad though.
11/30/11
Nothing much about me has changed, but a lot has changed. I am still grasping for air, as I continue to drown in this terrible state of… I don’t know what to call it. As I’m using all my energy to fight it off and flee from it, I grow defensive and angry with those who have no idea who they’re messing with and are unaware of how much more I can take. This strength few people claim they see in me is nothing but a fraud. But I’m alive now, so I guess that doesn’t make me weak, or so I hope. Sometimes, I feel I have the right to feel sorry for myself because I never asked for this life. Inner or “cerebral” problems are overtaking me, while outside problems are stabbing me in every direction. But I know that self-pity will get me nowhere. So, what’s the solution? I’m trying my best not to be bitter, and I’m trying my best to be joyful still. Maybe something great will come out of this, or at least something good. I can only hope.
11/29/11
I struggled to understand why things were happening as they were and why no one dared to hear me out, especially at a time like this. But there is no way I’m going to feel sorry for myself, and I don’t want to feel any resentment or anger towards anyone because that’s foolish and only hurts me. People aren’t much, really. The only solution is to cut certain people completely out of my life like they were never in it and laugh about it because those people were certainly not my friends. I need to befriend people with real goals and people I can really learn from.
"A proud faith is much a contradiction as a humble devil."
Stephen Charnock
11/22/11
Are human relations really necessary? Usually, I would say no, without a doubt. But sometimes I believe they are. When I’m alone, I experience irrational fears and the inability to pursue a consistent train of thought. I always thought I had a high capacity of being alone, but I think that changed the more and more time I spent time to myself. How ironic. I do feel it’s necessary to have a little retreat from others, but I realized it could be unhealthy to be too immersed in solitude. I acknowledge I have a lot of forgiving to do, as well as a lot too be apologetic for. Cynicism and hatred towards others only brings me pain, and I need to start accepting that not everyone’s going to get where I’m coming from or think the way that I do, and I’m doing my best to confront these issues. Still, I’m so used to being in my little cave, I sometimes wonder why I should put in the effort when I can comfortably avoid being hurt, betrayed, or let down—an all too familiar story.
11/15/11
I’ve given up on people a long time ago, and going out only seems to be a reminder of why I have gotten so accustomed to being alone. Most people are too full of themselves, shitty, heartless, and too damn ignorant for me. I hope that doesn’t make me sound egotistic because I’m not trying to be. There is a long and lonely road ahead of me, but I’m at peace with that. Still, I don’t know if that will help retain my sanity because too much introspection equals to too much consciousness (if that makes sense), which then will lead to disappointment, anxiety, and unnecessary grief. But I’m willing to take the risks and take a long long break from everyone. I know this won’t help the healing process, but I don’t really give a shit even though I really should. I thought my heart was growing fonder of people, but I’ve been proven wrong once again. And once again, I’ve been forsaken, and once again, I am alone.
11/4/11
The world is my enemy. There is nothing here for me. I have goals, a family, and I want to help people. I wish those reasons were sufficient enough to carry on. For now, they are. But what if the fear and despair become too great and takes full control over me? Then everything would be out of my willpower. It won’t be long until my friends realize how messed up I am—some already have, and this is the reason to why I avoid making friends. How the hell am I suppose to explain myself? Even if I did attempt to, they wouldn’t understand. No textbook, no psychology class will ever be able to teach you the real agony of this disease. And some will scoff at the idea that there is even such a thing. But it’s definitely real, take my word for it.
